What are the fears of really letting go and being in a relationship? Something I have been wanting and as the time approaches for me to go and see someone very special every fear imaginable begins to surface. I realize I have never fully let go in a relationship. I realize that I shut down, nearly every time I thought there was even the slightest chance of getting hurt. I would shut down and push people away. I have never felt safe. I have never felt safe to fully be myself, safe to really be with someone with full abandon, safe to fully let go with someone. I have never felt safe my whole life because I did not grow up in an environment where I felt safe. I carried that feeling of protecting myself, of creating a tough wall around me into my adult life and it showed up in my relationships. In my first couple of relationships I was able to let go and feel safe, but any heartbreak just added fuel to my already protective fire. Then the walls started being built with very thick substances. I blamed the men I dated thinking they were the one’s with the problem, they couldn’t commit, weren’t consistent, were emotionally unavailable. Maybe they were, but we are always attracting our mirror. I was the one that was all of those things and more. Mostly just afraid. I didn’t know how to feel safe around anyone else. It never proved to work out well for me. Now that I am on the edge of jumping in again, those fears have resurfaced to show their ugly heads. I choose to live life fearlessly, so I say hello to them and acknowledge them, not allowing them to go back down into the depths of me for hiding and then reappearing again later.
There are so many differences between love and fear. A lot of us would run if they were feeling the feelings that I have felt these few days. There are so many reasons to not jump into the unknown, because it is very scary. I have always had a love affair with the unknown, seeing it as a pool of treasures to explore. Each time I have jumped in, I have come up with the best gem. But it is still scary. Walking up to the edge of that unknown pool and sticking your big toe in and saying “Oooo, it feels different this time, oooo, I don’t know. This could be dangerous.” But I am ready to jump in again. Knowing that there is something waiting for me down in it’s depths. Fear would run now. Fear would say don’t do that, don’t go there. Love says it’s all going to work out well, now come here with open arms.
I wondered what love looks like? Is love joyful all the time? Does love ever get tired? Are there levels to love, or is it always the same? What happens when it fades away? How is that even possible? If love could talk to you what would it say?
A few years ago I wrote a poem that seems fitting for this piece. It’s called Roses.
I walk by the roses, red, white and pink. I am reminded.
You are there. You ask, “Do you know what has the highest vibrational frequency?”
You take me to the rose garden.
But there are no roses, it is winter.
You hold me anyway and we laugh into the nothingness.
The velvetness of your skin soothes my pain.
Your smile melts away my distrust.
In your arms I am protected from all harm.
Lifetimes pass by my eyes.
In this moment the world does not exist.
I see through to your soul, I know it well.
I see the goodness.
But the roses are no where to be found.
When I find them, I see you.
I thought you had left for good.
But you like the roses went away for a while. Hibernation. Fear.
You came back blossoming open even more.
I feel safe again for a moment.
The last petal falls to the ground and you are gone.
I choose love now. Love over fear. I can’t live in fear any more. So I thank the fears for their lessons, for their awakenings in me. I step confidently into the light of love. Knowing that it is the only way to live now. There can not be any more fear, not now at this pivotal time with this consciousness. I choose to not shut down any more to anyone. I choose to be open and loving. Let’s choose love. Love in every moment. Love over fear. Let’s all jump…
Love and light,