I had a moment for the last couple of weeks where I defined my very essence on my bank account. I thought I had failed life, society and myself by going in the negative. I had defined my success on the amount of money I had in the bank. It is only now that I see why that had to happen to me. I had to go in the complete negative to see how I really viewed money. To see the power that I was giving money and to see how I was reacting to it out of fear.
Once I got clear that I would still be ok, even if I had no money, in fact better than ok, once I found happiness in the darkness I blew my own mind about how I look at money now. Now I really see what money is and how to attract it from a new place from a different vibration, one that does not include fear. I was fearful of money, because if I didn’t have any, how would I survive and who would I be? Would I be able to eat? Would I have a place to stay? How would I proceed to then get money? When I was able to relax and be at ease with the fact that I did not have any money and yet I was still ok AND happy, everything changed for me.
Then last week I went on a date for the first time in a really long time. I began to watch as all the old beliefs of not being “perfect” enough came up. I was thinking, my shirt is too big, it doesn’t look right, I haven’t done my nails in ages, my hair won’t straighten, etc. I laugh as I know this old pattern of not feeling like enough just as I am. Trying to change who I am with makeup, straight hair and better fitting clothes because who I am right now is not good enough. It was slightly painful to see how I have lived a good portion of my life that way. As not good enough…now.
Both the money situation and the makeup situation made me realize that my inner perfectionist was still alive and well and I was really tired of her. I seriously wanted to strangle her once and for all this time. I began to see how she has wrecked havoc on my self-esteem for years and simply just made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Who is this intruder that thinks she knows what’s best for me? How did she ever come about and how do I quickly show her the door for good?
In two words she is my “Ideal Woman.” That woman that I created in my head that has the perfect skin, makeup, the right career, lots of money, no freckles, who turns heads, stops traffic, walks perfectly, is good at everything, knows the right things to wear and always looks good, who never has off days and who is always cheerful and has it all together. In other words…not me. Some far off, more perfect version of me. One that I have stopped striving for, but that still lives and breathes in my head and tells me “You don’t look right, You need to be better.”
I realize today as I am writing this, that I have been fighting with this woman for years. She has been the one who has always brought me down, made me feel not good enough and made me seek out affirmations from others that I was ok, that it was ok to be me, that I am doing well. Oooooo, she is a dozey that one.
Did she come from my parents not loving me enough, not growing up with my dad, did she come from being made fun of for being too skinny in junior high, did she come from being rejected by some boyfriend at some point in my life? None of that matters! I just need to know how to get rid of her and strangle her for good.
I believe being aware of her is the key in letting her go. Now that I see how she has really been the reason for my inner conflict for so long (I remember this feeling back to junior high) I am so much more aware of her and that feeling that belongs to her. The feeling for me was that of not being perfect. But perfect is something I created in my head.
So today and from this day forward, I begin to accept my imperfectly perfect self. I begin to accept and love every perceived flaw that I have ever thought I had. Including my freckles that I tried to get rid of with fade cream as a young girl, my brown hair that I had always wished was blonde as early as 4 years old, my name Erin which as a 1st grader I always wanted to be Jessica, my skinny legs and arms that I tried to hide with baggy clothes in highschool and my big eyes that I could never hide. I am beautiful and I no longer allow my inner perfectionist to make me feel anything less than that. She is the imperfect one that is never satisfied and chooses to be unhappy.
So I choose happy. I choose to love every inch of who I am.
I choose to believe that Who I Am is ENOUGH Right NOW!
Who is your ideal man/woman and what do they tell you? Are you ready to let them go for good? Please leave a comment, share your truth and let me know!
I think YOU are Amazing!
